Could We Start Again? Only Time Will Tell

We all have that one ex that we can’t stop thinking about.


Words, Denzel Bryan

Graphic, Instagram

We all have that one ex that we can’t stop thinking about.

That one ex that floods our memories and dwells in our heart. The ex that we know we should get over and forget about, but for some reason, we can’t. At what point do you put those feelings and hopes for re-connection to sleep and move on completely? Or do you stay content with some kind of friendship?

What exactly does that friendship entail? Are you guys platonic? Do you guys just sit back and watch movies on Saturday nights? Or do you guys have casual sex and visit each other’s families for Christmas?

I have an ex. I have history with this ex. Can I honestly look in the mirror and consider him to be my friend? Hmmm.

In Spring of 2016, I met a guy. I was on Instagram one night while I was house sitting for a coworker at the time and came across this profile that liked a few of my pictures. I went on his profile and was immediately attracted to his entire aesthetic. He was mystical and had a vibe that exuded the sense that he was so in sync with his inner self. Not to mention his long locked free form hair and completely handsome physical appearance. I just had to shoot my shot in his DM’s and that is exactly what I did.

We instantly connected and began to converse; got to know each other. At that time he was in Virginia, where he is originally from, on his way to move to LA. As the next couple of months went on, we became much more serious very quickly and would basically talk every single day. Facetime, phone calls, texting and sending each other pictures as well as videos just to keep things spicy to overcome the distance between the both of us. Approaching the end of 2016, things began to get rocky and the toll of the distance between us without having the memory of an actual physical connection was just becoming too much to bear. After my trip to Paris in October 2016, I decided to call it quits because communication was becoming very unsteady and lacked the consistency, which to me, is the most important aspects in any relationship.

Leading into 2017, we would be on and off, back and forth. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get over him. I planned my first LA trip in February of 2017 and was looking forward to actually meeting him. I was there for a week and didn’t see him. Yes you read that right. I didn’t see him not one day and the most incredible part about it is that we spoke every single day! Whew chile the bullshit.

Of course, after this trip I was completely done… well so I thought. Throughout the year we would still have episodes of talking again trying to rebuild and fix what was broken, but the temporary mold that we would create would always end up falling apart. I’m not sure why I was so enamored by a man I’ve never met before, but deep down I knew he was the one. That youthful hope for a Disney fairy-tale can be so daunting.

We finally met in Summer of 2018. And through all of the questions, painful nights, and lost in confusion, the moment we saw each other everything negative faded away. We spent three nights with each other and decided to actually give this thing another shot now that we’ve connected physically. We made love, we laughed, we joked. I cried when I had to return to New York but he made a promise to be perfect for me. I trusted him…again.

Communication was and still is our biggest issue. When I say communication, I mean effective communication. I am an adult and I don’t expect to talk all day and every day, however, if you are busy, I expect that to be effectively communicated just to have a peace of mind. As simple as that should be, I find that the most simple things are found to be the most complicated to receive.  

It didn’t workout as I imagined it would after I left L.A and got back to New York. We haven’t been the same since but till this day, we stay in contact with each other. I don’t have hate or resentment towards him, but I do want closure in some sense. What I love about our situation is that when we talk even after months of not being in contact, we can laugh and joke with one another like nothing faulty in our relationship ever happened.

The last time we spoke, he called out how selfish he had been in regards to our relationship, and how he wants to work on our friendship as well as be here for me. These are all things I’ve heard before so I need actual action instead of sweet nothings. He has a spot in my heart that makes me soft for him. I am not as soft as I used to be, but still soft enough to want him to be better. I will be going to L.A again and when I do , I plan to spend time with him.

I know I should get over him. I know I should let him go. I know that seeing him and speaking to him will only suck me back into the rabbit hole of frustration, but I believe that our connection is one in a million and one that I will not find anywhere else. Would I call him a friend? No. Would I call him an ex that will always be in my heart? Yes. Have we really broken up? Only time will truly tell.